Rain!

It's a wet, grey day in Phoenix! It's raining on and off, and it's supposed to continue that way for the rest of the day and into this evening. It actually makes a nice change, really. Most of the time it's warm and sunny with blue skies, so a grey drizzly day is quite refreshing!

We had a lie-in this morning, Suzie woke us up at 6.30 so we put the dogs on the bed with us and they eventually went back to sleep. We got up at 9.40 - positively late for us, even for a weekend! It was nice, but I do feel a bit groggy now because of waking up and going back to sleep a couple of times. Oh well! It's not as though we're doing much today. I think it might be a movie day - there seem to be a few decent-ish movies on TV, so that'll keep me occupied for a little while!

I need to go to trusty old Target at some point, poor Gracie has allergies at the moment and she's scratching lots. She's on Benadryl 3 times a day (luckily we got the Target own version which is exactly the same, only $4 for 100 so that's great!). Anyway, we're also having to put shirts on her to stop her from scratching herself too badly - her skin was getting raw where she was scratching, so it does help to put a shirt on her. I think I'm gonna buy a pack of baby shirts from Target, she's gonna need a few because all the scratching inevitably results in holes. There's no point spending $15 on a dog shirt, when I can probably get 4 or 5 baby shirts for around that price. Well, I haven't looked into the prices, but I'm sure they're a lot cheaper than dog clothes anyway! She probably needs either a 12 or 18 month size, I'm thinking the 18 month will be better because it'll fit looser. Pugs are hard to buy clothes for because they're broad shouldered and dog clothes that are meant for their weight range and length are usually too small around the shoulders. Ordinarily it wouldn't be an issue because we don't dress them very often, but Gracie seems to feel the cold a lot more than Suzie and with her scratching because of her allergies, it's the only thing we can do to help (apart from the Benadryl of course). Gracie actually seems to love wearing clothes too, she gets all wiggly and happy when we get them out for her. Suzie? Not so much. Apart from the gorgeous pink polka dot dress she wore to our wedding, she loved that one!

:-)

Gosh, the past few days I've spoken to lots of my friends... Wednesday I talked to Taj, who arrives here on April 22nd, and I also talked to my Mom and Dad for a while to tell them about the house and my unexpected tax rebate. My Aunt Dorothy also called, so I spoke to her for a bit too. Thursday I talked to Tamzin, Debbie and Rochelle. It seems to happen like that - I don't get to speak to anyone for ages and then in the space of a couple of days I speak to loads of people. I kinda would prefer it to be more spaced out but hey, what can you do? I guess it just happens to be when people are free - I'm free most of the time, but they're all busy!

Oh - good news, the government shutdown has been averted. Hopefully there will be no disruption while Taj, my Mom and my stepdad are here! :-)

Huh...

So, my Dad finally called me today... Only 2 weeks later than he was supposed to! He didn't mention that, of course. I think he just wanted to moan about having a cold, to be honest. I didn't say anything about how he was supposed to call me weeks ago, I can't be doing with that anymore - what's the point, after all? I told him we've been looking at houses, he sounded quite surprised by that (I don't know why because he's known for ages that we want to buy a house this year... I think he just doesn't listen to me).

I told him that there are lots of photos and videos of the girls on Facebook (he has an account, which he evidently doesn't use) and hinted that it's a good way to keep in touch as far as videos and photos go. I doubt it'll make a difference, though - hints are never going to work if telling him something outright doesn't make a difference, right?

To be perfectly honest our conversations feel strained at best - I don't think we really "connect" these days. I think there's resentment on both our parts - I resent him for being terrible at keeping in touch and because of all the wedding stuff, and he resents me for leaving the UK. I think that sums it up pretty well, really.

When he does call me, which is pretty rare, it's usually just to complain about things: his neck, his cold, his job... I always get the sense that he's waiting for me to say something, but there's nothing I can really say - he moans about everything all the time, he doesn't do anything to help himself, and I've said everything I can say a million times over now! I think sometimes he's waiting for me to say something like "I miss you so much, I wish I'd never moved" - but I'm happy here, and although I find it hard at times being away from everyone "back home", I could never miss anyone as much as I used to miss my hubby while we were apart.

Why are families so weird?!

Houses!

OK, well we hoped to look at houses on Tuesday as I wrote in my last post. Our realtor was supposed to call hubby around 4 p.m. but she didn't, he texted her and asked if we could look at houses and she said she wasn't free until Friday. We've felt for a while she was messing us around, and we didn't think we'd ever end up seeing any houses if we waited for her all the time. So, hubby called his mom who knows a husband and wife realtor team through church, and she gave him their details. He called and left them a voicemail and they rang us back within a couple of hours, and hubby gave them the info about what kind of house we're looking for, our price range, etc. Yesterday the guy came to our house at about 3.15 p.m. to pick us up to view houses! Yay! We finally looked at some houses! We saw 6 in total yesterday, and a few were a definite "no" - one was in a very dodgy area and pretty run-down, one had loads of water damage on all the ceilings and was generally in bad shape, one had been ripped apart for termites and had a tree out front with the roots probably going into the foundations of the garage and house and one had power lines right next to the house, had a very very old A/C unit and needed a new roof - and was definitely overpriced! There were 2 houses we really liked but they'd just received offers on them and we're not ready to make any offers just yet, we need to look around a lot more. It was interesting anyway, it showed us what to look for with regards to potential problems and we found it to be quite an experience! We're hopefully viewing more houses tomorrow afternoon, then the in-laws are coming round for dinner (hubby's parents and brother too, so our little house will be a bit cramped but it's OK!)

When I last spoke to my Dad, 2 weeks ago tomorrow, he told me he would call me "next week" (so last week) - guess what? He still hasn't! Now don't get me wrong, I'm not exactly shocked, but come on! For fuck's sake, this is getting ridiculous! He knows how much it annoys/upsets me when he does this, and still it continues. I guess he'll never, ever change. I'm still not going to call him though, because why should it always be me making the effort? More to the point, why should it always be our phone bill getting run up? So no, there won't be any calls from me.

I'm being a good little housewife, I cleaned the entire house again yesterday and I'm still doing the dishes after every meal which makes it a much more manageable task! I washed the doggy beds yesterday too, and today I've done more laundry. I'm going to clean the whole house again tomorrow, it works out well because that's when we're having the in-laws over for dinner, but I was going to do it anyway - Monday, Wednesday and Friday are my full-on cleaning days now. That gives me Tuesday and Thursday "off" but I still do other things around the house, just not a full clean. It also leaves weekends free, because that's when hubby is free so we can do things together. I'm finding it to work really well, the house always looks great because there's never too big a gap between thorough cleanings and it keeps me busy. On a Friday I have a couple extra tasks, I clean the dog water fountain and change our bed linen in addition to dusting, vacuuming, mopping and then cleaning the bathroom. Hubby's only "job" around the house is to be in charge of the fish tank, i.e. do the water changes. He doesn't mind doing it, it's not like he has to do anything else housework related after all. He's really happy with the way things are now, and so am I! I love being able to take pride in our house every day, it's not a fancy house but it's clean and tidy and it's our home for now :-)

Not related to the terrible disaster in Japan

Last Thursday I bit the bullet, so to speak, and went to the DMV to apply for my learner's permit. I kind of expected to fail the test, but somehow I got 86% (I think 70% is a pass) so I got the permit. The whole thing took like 15 minutes from start to finish - I was impressed!

So hubby has been teaching me to drive in his car. I must admit, my first lesson was quite scary as I obviously didn't have a clue. I found myself wishing that he had an automatic instead of a stick-shift (or manual, whatever you want to call it!) but he has a 6-speed stick-shift, so it's tough!

I've had 5 lessons now, almost every day with the only exception being Saturday. So far we've only been in an abandoned parking lot, which is a good place to learn for obvious reasons. I manage to start and stop most of the time without stalling or burning the clutch (although it does happen sometimes - I'm getting better though!) and I can change gear fairly smoothly most of the time. I started learning how to reverse yesterday, which I can do alright most of the time but I'm struggling a little with turning the wheel the right way - I'll say I'm going to back up and turn right but I end up going the opposite direction! I'll get there soon, I think. It's not as difficult as I was expecting, on the whole. I'm quite enjoying learning. I haven't been on any "proper" roads yet but I did drive us to a neighboring in-use parking lot (next to the one I've been learning in) and park us there... far away from any other vehicles! I parked in the lines though, straight, which is something a lot of people around here appear to struggle with! (either that, or they're too lazy since the spaces are pretty big and you can park badly and still be in the lines!)

Yesterday we went to our bank to start the mortgage process. We have a friend at the dog park whose mom is a realtor, we met her a couple of weeks back and she gave us her business card, so as soon as we get the pre-approval notice from the bank (we should know by Friday) we can set up an appointment with her and go and look at some houses properly! So far we've only looked from the outside, but we've found some promising looking houses in nice areas for very good prices (less than we can afford, so that's a good thing!)

Oh yeah, and the whole thing with my dad is still not really resolved. He called me last Monday and started telling me how busy he was the previous Wednesday (he'd told me the week before that, that he would call me either the Wednesday or Thursday, and didn't). I tried to have a normal conversation with him but he kept going on about how tired he is now he has the dog and how busy he was that Wednesday, blah blah blah, and I had to point out that his failure to call was hardly a one-off! I mean, it happens without fail every single bloody time he's told me he'll call me! I didn't raise my voice or anything, but I told him that when he repeatedly doesn't call it really upsets me and it disappoints me every time. Now, my dad can't take any criticism whatsoever, so he had to get all sarcastic with me and the tone of his voice really pissed me off. He said, "Shall I call you back on Wednesday when you're in a better mood?!" and that infuriated me - I replied, "I knew you would try to turn it around onto me, sorry, bye" and hung up. Now I know that hanging up isn't nice, but it was either that or I would've told him exactly what I think of him and his bullshit. I probably would've said something like I'm sure if you needed to make a call about the orchestra, you'd remember to do that. Obviously we all know where your fucking priorities lie, seeing as you missed your only daughter's wedding for one of their bloody rehearsals. See? Hanging up was probably the better option, although I think I'd be justified in saying that to him because it's clearly true.

He emailed me on Tuesday, apologizing for not calling and saying he would try to be better about calling me when he says he will. I replied and said that I was sorry for hanging up on him, but I was very upset. I basically repeated what I'd said on the phone. He replied again, saying that he really misses me and it's really hard for him knowing he won't see me much now that I'm living in the US. He said he was glad that hubby and I are so happy together. The whole thing sounded very final to me, and I guess it was because even though I wrote back that same day he still hasn't been in touch again. I wrote that I missed him too, and that I've been here 6 months now and although I'm very happy with hubby it hasn't been easy for me all the time, and it does feel as though a lot of people have forgotten about me in those 6 months. I also tried to make some "conversation" writing about his dog and our dogs. I don't want to be petty, but since I was the last person to make contact I think he should be the next one to do so, by email or phone or whatever. I also don't really want to make the call myself, and since my last email went unreturned I'm loathe to email him. If he really does miss me, surely his actions would reflect that. If you miss someone that much, you must think about them occasionally and you'd think that you'd make the effort to do what you said you would.

So, I don't know what the situation is now. I don't know what to think anymore. I think I just have to get on with my life, and if he doesn't want to be a part of it now then I'll just have to accept that.

A week ago I spoke to one of my good friends, R, on Skype. She couldn't believe his attitude - that's to say, she believes it, but she's also shocked by it! She doesn't understand why he would act this way either. I told her that I think he resents me for leaving the UK, and I also told her how he's always accused me of "being stupid" whenever I've done anything. One example is that we booked our wedding at the end of May last year, for the middle of October. At the time we booked it, I hadn't had my visa interview, but things were moving along with the whole thing and we went ahead and set the date because we'd already chosen the venue we wanted and they didn't have many dates left so we wanted to secure one. Also, it meant people would have adequate notice and be able to make arrangements to come to our wedding if they wanted to. I phoned him to let him know and he basically told me I was stupid for setting a date before I got my visa. He then spent the next 2 months being incredibly negative about the visa and saying that I might not get it. I knew there was a chance of being denied, of course, but we didn't have any "red flags" in our case and I thought the chances of a denial were slim. Guess what? I got my visa. I was also in the US 6 whole weeks before our wedding. I think my dad was 'secretly' hoping that I would be refused the visa. It's not so much of a fucking secret when he made it pretty damn obvious that he wanted me to be refused it. I don't want to be awful because I know it must be hard for parents if their child emigrates, but my mom made it clear she would miss me but also that she was incredibly happy for me too. She told me the day before I left that she knew I was doing the right thing, that she would really miss me but she knew hubby would take good care of me and that he's a lovely guy. My dad wasn't exactly so selfless. If he wants to get into an argument about me effectively choosing my hubby over him (which is pretty ridiculous) then he can go and look at his own actions when he got with my stepmom, and how he believed every single lie about me that came out of her mouth. I chose to take a chance, a risk if you like, by emigrating to a whole different continent, 5,500 miles away from where I'd lived my entire life. I knew it was the right thing to do, but it wasn't easy to leave everyone and everything behind either. Some may view my actions as selfish, but those people can get stuffed quite frankly. It was selfish of certain people to make me feel guilty for my decision to start a new life and be happy, in my opinion.

Bloody family.

I've just about had it with my Dad. I seriously don't understand him, not at all. He never contacts me when he says he will! What the hell is that about? It's upsetting, it's unnecessary and it's really fucking thoughtless.

Same old same old - I called him on Thursday February 24th, as I said I would. He told me he would call me "next Wednesday or Thursday" - so, that's last week. Has he called me? Has he hell! This same situation plays out again and again, but each time it makes me more and more angry with him.

Now, there are people who say "It's just the way he is, he's not going to change" - maybe so, but just because the way someone acts is "the way they are" doesn't make that behavior acceptable. He knows for a fact that it really annoys me when he doesn't call as he says he will, because I've told him about 3 times now. Yesterday, he sent me a textless email, a photo of my stepmom and their dog. The title of the email was "(stepmom) and Benji on her birthday!" - well, for one thing, I don't particularly want photos of my stepmom, she's hardly my favorite person! Secondly, yesterday was not her birthday, today is. When he sent the email it was 8 p.m. UK time so the time difference doesn't even make it her birthday! I responded to his shitty email with the following:

It's her birthday tomorrow. You didn't call me when you said you would, yet again.

Last time this very same situation happened, he sent me an inane email the day after he was supposed to call me, with no mention of why he didn't call or anything. I replied to that one with the following:

Hi Dad,

You said you were going to call me on Wednesday (yesterday!) what happened?

Love,

(Me) xxx

He responded that time with a "sorry, I forgot" message and then called me that evening. This time I've heard nothing since my abrupt email reply yesterday.

The time before that, he was supposed to have called me a couple of weeks before my green card interview (the interview was February 10th, so we're talking end of January here) and he didn't. I refused to call him as well, because I was already more than fed up of his broken promises. Anyway, after my green card interview I begrudgingly called him to tell him the good news - he promised to call me the next week and I asked him outright, "Are you actually going to call this time???" and he was a bit taken aback. What more do I have to do to get through to that man?!

You know, it would be laughable if it wasn't so upsetting. He has only one child - me. He's only 53, he works part-time and therefore has plently of time on his hands to call me when he tells me he will. He could even call me at midnight UK time, and it would only be 5 p.m. here! He just doesn't ever think to bother with me, and it's ruining our relationship quite frankly.

I really wish this didn't bother me, but it does. Every single time he breaks his promises it hurts more. On the one hand I feel as though I shouldn't expect him to actually do what he says he will, but every time I hope that he will come through that time and then when he doesn't, I'm left feeling angry and disappointed.

I will not call him again. I won't cave this time. The only reason I did last time was because I'd had my interview. This time, I have no reason to give in and call so I won't. I don't see why I should make all the bloody effort, yes I'm the one who moved away but guess what, I'm only one side of this so-called relationship and there's only so much I can do. I call him when I say I will, but he doesn't keep his part of the deal. He's the one causing the rift, not me.

I know exactly what will happen if he does ever call - he'll turn it around on me, because that's what he always does. He can't admit being wrong, so he'll try and make it all my fault and he'll make out that I'm lying about it all. I've known him and been messed around by him long enough that I know what to expect.

If this was a friend, I would have cut them out of my life a long time ago. I'm seriously tempted to do that in this case, too, but I likely won't because he's my Dad.

I just don't know what to do, but I can't ignore his shitty behavior. You can bet that if he was supposed to call someone regarding something orchestra related, he would. Apparently that stuff comes first - remember how he missed our wedding because of a fucking orchestra rehearsal? Well, maybe I just don't rank highly in his life.

When he was here, he talked to me a lot of the time like I'm an imbecile. I'm 27 years old, and he still tries to run my life. He refused to believe me when I said that I can't work in my profession in this country, hubby had to come out of his office and back me up on that one. He refuses to accept that I've got my own life and that he's not in charge of it. He constantly told me what I "should" be doing, and he criticized a lot of things about my lifestyle. I'm not a smoker, drug taker or heavy drinker, the only "crime" I've committed is being a housewife. Jeez! Yes, I had a career in the UK. Yes, it's a shame I can't do the same here, but I'm not going to dwell on it. The professional exam I'd have to sit in order to be able to work in this country is only available to those who studied in this country - so short of going back to uni and starting from scratch, incurring huge debts, there's nothing I can do. I'm also not willing to do that because it's pretty demeaning, when you consider that I spent 3 years full time at uni in the UK, graduated at age 21 with a BSc (Hons), have 5 years work experience in my field including 3 years in a specialist area, and also studied part time for a year to gain a post-graduate qualification. Here, even if I did the course again I'd be at the bottom of the pile again, except this time I'd be age 30 and only able to do the exact same job I did at age 21. No thank you!

Hubby is fine with my decision, he thinks it's an absolute joke that I'd have to do all that and really doesn't blame me for not wanting to do it. Also, since we want to start a family in the not too distant future, it's not feasible.

I hate that my Dad doesn't listen to me, always assumes I'm lying (I'm not like that and never have been, so I don't know where that comes from... oh yeah, that's right, it comes from my bitch of a stepmom) and doesn't respect my feelings on anything, to be honest. It's ridiculous. I'm losing respect for him with every passing day, every single time he fails to call when he's supposed to. It's beyond a joke, forgetting once wouldn't be a big deal, but every single time? What a bastard.

An unexpected call... and interview preparation!

We were eating lunch when the phone rang - it was my cousin! Yes, the one who hasn't replied to any of my emails. He said he hasn't been ignoring me, but I'd disagree really! Anyway, it was nice to speak to him. It would've been nice if he'd just replied to my emails in the first place, but what can you do?

I've been getting all our documents etc. ready for my AOS interview, I think we're good. We probably have too much stuff but I'd rather be over-prepared than be missing something important. My appointment letter says to take evidence of your relationship, such as correspondence and anything that's in both our names - I have loads of cards, letters, emails, photos, our joint medical and dental insurance cards, the lease for the house in both our names, our joint bank account statements... Of course we're also taking the documents they want, such as financial support information, our marriage certificate, birth certificates, passports, my employment authorization card, my travel document... I definitely think we're good! I'll just be so glad when it's all over with, it's been on my mind for a whole month now (since I got the letter). I feel the way I did right before my visa interview - like I shouldn't have anything to worry about, and everything will most likely go great. Should do, anyway!

My patience is wearing thin with some people!!!

Remember when my friend T stood me up yet again for our Skype chat on Friday? Well, I left it a couple of days and didn't hear anything - there was no apology in my inbox, no message on Facebook, nothing. So, I decided to email her yesterday. I kept it simple - I basically said this:

"Hey, what happened to you on Friday? I waited on Skype for half an hour but didn't see you!

Hope you're ok." [read: Huh, you messed me around again. What's your excuse this time?]

I got a reply later in the day, which basically said this:

"I'm so sorry, I fell asleep after dinner. I'm rubbish aren't I? :-( [Yes, very. Consistently rubbish in fact, to the point where I can't be bothered with you right now despite our 23 year friendship]

I've been to London this weekend... [I didn't even really read the rest of that - I don't care, you could have at least apologized before I asked you what happened!]

I'll get on Skype tomorrow night after work, I'll even set a reminder on my phone!" [Wait, you'll even try to remember?! Oh no, I couldn't ask that much of you, really! Don't be silly!]

I wasn't sure how to reply to that, because I was still kinda mad about the whole thing seeing as she consistently lets me down. So after thinking about it a while, today I replied to that email. I didn't address any of the "apology" stuff - I wasn't about to tell her it's fine, because frankly it really isn't fine at all. Once would be alright - repeated occasions of her flaking on me are not fine! I just said that this week is a bit crazy, I have my AOS interview and we just got another pug. I said, "Maybe we can talk sometime next week" - although I doubt it very much, because even if I make plans with her, I think we're all aware that the chances of those plans coming together are approximately 10% right now.

Our mutual friend, R, says I'm too nice to her and I should tell her how rude she's being. She said: "The way T is, is rubbish and down right rude. Who does she think she is? I think the next time you speak you need to make it clear that you're angry about it or she'll keep doing it. She's taking you for granted."

To be honest, I couldn't agree more. I don't really want to have a confrontation about it, but I don't want it to keep happening. Now it's got to the point where I don't even want to make plans with her because it's pointless and all it does is annoy me more when she doesn't show. Maybe R is right when she says I'm too nice to T - nothing will change if I don't say anything, will it? She just expects me to be available whenever she dictates, and then she doesn't show up herself. At least if she would apologize within a reasonable amount of time, it wouldn't be as bad. I shouldn't have to go fishing for answers. Two days was plenty of time for her to send me a quick message explaining. A couple of months back, she did the same thing and I refrained from getting in touch with her - I wanted to see how long it would take her to apologize. Answer: 5 days! This, from the person who's "always connected" because she has an iPhone. The fact that it would be so easy for her to just get in touch makes it all the worse, doesn't it?

On this note, how about my Dad? Well, he still hasn't called me. He was meant to 2 friggin' weeks ago. He emailed me on Saturday to tell me he's getting a rescue dog. I emailed back, saying that's funny because we'd just got our rescue pug. He knew nothing of the possibility of us adopting another pug, because he hadn't kept his word and called me. I also put this in the email:

"I thought you were going to call me last week? Give me a call when you get a chance."

He replied again, but no mention of why he hasn't called or even if he will call. So, I'm still not calling him. He can afford to give me a call every other week at least, it's not like I'm expecting to speak to him daily for goodness' sake. Since I moved to the US 5 months ago, I've grown really tired of many of my so-called relationships with people back in the UK being so one-sided, with most people making little to no effort to keep in touch with me. The worst offenders? My Dad, T and my cousin. Funny how I still haven't heard anything from him. Funny also how he was on Skype a little while ago while I was on, and I typed a couple of messages to him with no response yet again. Yet he has the audacity to send me a Skype message when I'm offline, when he knows I'm offline, saying he hasn't seen me on there for ages! I guess you haven't checked your inbox for at least 3 months, then - if you did, you'd see about 4 emails from me, one from the other day saying that I've been emailing you and heard nothing back since November.

Maybe it's time to cut some people out of my life, if all they do is cause me hurt. I don't want to do that, but how much more should I really take? I mean, I've tried and tried, and what's the point? It really does upset me sometimes how people who are supposedly meant to care about me just clearly don't give a fuck. If they do, they have a very strange way of showing it. How long does it really take to reply to an email? How difficult is it to pick up the damn phone and dial my number? Why make plans with me and repeatedly allow them to fall through, leaving me sitting here like a fucking idiot? I don't understand these people at all.

I was thinking about the whole thing with my cousin... how I've always gone out of my way to see him and his family, how I spent a pretty penny on his and his wife's wedding gifts, how I bought loads of nice gifts for their baby when he was born in March last year, how I took them out for a pre-baby meal. When hubby and I got married in October, did I get so much as a card from them? Nope. What made it even worse is that they were actually in Florida at the time, and they could have bought and sent a card for less than $3. Really, it was too much effort? I can tell you now, if it was my cousin who had emigrated I would have sent a nice card at least. Maybe that means I'm a mug, then? When it's their baby boy's first birthday next month, I will probably go to the trouble of buying him a nice card and mailing it. Maybe what I should do, if I haven't heard from my cousin by then (which seems pretty likely at this rate) is write him a letter and put it in with the card. I could write that it would've been nice if he could've bothered to at least attempt to keep in touch with me, given that nowadays it's not exactly hard. I know he's on his computer a lot, because he's often on Skype and it tells you if the person is on their cell phone (which it doesn't say for him). Not one reply to any of my messages on there, and no replies to emails for 3 months? Shoddy.

I only wish it didn't bother me so much. Perhaps I ought to just move on, I have a new life here with my wonderful, gorgeous husband, our two lovely pug girls and not to forget our fishy! I didn't want to lose touch with people back in the UK, and I tried my best to make sure that didn't happen, but there's only so much one person can do. How many emails should you send with no response whatsoever, before you give up? I think I've reached my limit with my cousin now. As for T, well, I don't know. I don't hate her or anything, but I hate the way she's been treating me. I just don't get it - it's like she has no regard for me whatsoever. I know I'm not working, but that doesn't mean that everyone can just mess me around. My time is still important, and I do have things to do. Now we have Gracie, I have more responsibilities with the pugs - feeding, potty breaks, walking, grooming. Gracie is difficult with food at the moment, she has to really be enticed to eat. I have to feed Suzie, then put her in the office with hubby while I feed Gracie in the hallway with no doors open so she's pretty much stuck there with me (otherwise she just goes off). She's getting better but it's been a little stressful. I know she's still adjusting to us and she's probably still missing her original owner(s) so she's probably sad. I can completely understand that, of course. I expected it, but I still need for her to eat so she can stay strong. It's less than 72 hours since she came to live with us so I'm sure in a little while she'll be more settled, but I just want her to be happy. She sometimes looks so scared and confused and my heart breaks for her. I know she must be so sad that her original owner effectively abandoned her - I know they didn't actually abandon her, but I'm sure that's how Gracie feels because she doesn't understand. I wonder if her original owner is missing her too. Apparently their reason for surrendering her was that they couldn't afford to keep their dogs - if that's true then I'm sure they're really sad about it. I know I would be. All Gracie really knows is that she spent virtually her whole life with that person, and all of a sudden they drove her to a stranger's house and left her there. Her foster mom told me that she cried actual tears and stared at the door that whole night, she was so upset. How heartbreaking is that? And some people think animals don't have feelings.

You know, the way a lot of my friends and family have treated me since September makes me love my pugs all the more. They're always here for me and they always will be - unlike some people I've mentioned. Even Gracie, who as I said has been with us less than 72 hours, is already way more loyal than they are!

An Update :-)

Right now I'm just waiting to hear back from APARN regarding when they can do the home check. Hopefully they'll be able to come sometime today, that would be great! I don't know what the process will be for actually collecting Jessyka - we've met her already so I don't think we'd have to go visit her at her foster home, but I'm guessing we'll probably go and get her from her foster home when the time comes. :-)

Hubby went and got us some lunch, and the gourmet hot dog place he went to had some leaflets from Petco about how you can get a booklet of coupons if you adopt an animal. All you have to do is take the adoption paperwork with you and they give you the booklet - savings of $225 or more, cool huh? We will need to get Jessyka a collar and harness, a crate, a food bowl and possibly a bed. I say possibly a bed, because we have pug-pug's old bed which she can still fit into, and her 'new' bed too. Plus, now she sleeps on our bed anyway so Jessyka most likely will too. I kinda want to get Jessyka's food bowl from our veterinary office, because we got pug-pug's from them - they sell handmade ceramic bowls which are really cute and they're only $3 each, which is a bargain! Some local lady makes them. I'd rather do that than buy a bowl at Petco, really. I'm sure we'll make good use of the coupons for everything else, though!

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OK, now my friend T is really starting to drive me mad. She suggested that we talk on Skype today, she set the time as 1.00 p.m. in fact, and you guessed it - she's a no-show! Again! Bloody hell. It's now after 1.25. I'm giving her until 1.30 p.m. and then I'm logging off. What a time waster! Then I'll probably get an email in 5 days saying she's so sorry, she's such a terrible friend, blah blah blah. Yeah - I've heard it all before. Just stop wasting my time and don't make arrangements with me if you clearly have no intention to stick to them! How many times is she really expecting me to put up with her crappy behavior?

Still no news... and how can people be so lousy?!

OK, so hubby emailed the property management company yesterday and asked if there's any news from our landlord. The guy who came to see the house apparently isn't the one who will be asking the landlord - he said this other woman "will be asking her". Um, so let me get this straight - we asked you on Monday if we could have another dog, you came to see the house on Tuesday, and still nobody has even asked the landlord? Now it's Thursday, and we still know nothing. How are we going to get an answer if nobody even asks the landlord?! So hubby emailed this woman, and asked her if there's any news. He reiterated that the rescue agency are holding a dog for us, so time is of the essence. Not that it will probably make any difference whatsoever...

[OK, maybe I was a little bit hasty there... hubby just saw an email from that lady saying she's left the landlord a voicemail and sent her an email, so maybe we will hear something soon... watch this space!]

On the plus side, I emailed the lady at APARN again yesterday and explained that the inspection went well as expected, but we are still waiting for news. I got an email back saying not to worry, that they're all in agreement that we would provide a wonderful home for Jessyka and that they know the wait is harder for us than it is for them. She also said that Jessyka may be added to their website, but she won't be adopted to anybody else. So basically she's going to be ours unless we're not allowed to have her. That made me feel a bit better :-)

On the communication front, I was on Skype yesterday and my cousin logged on, and a message from him from January 31st came up saying something along the lines of "haven't seen you on here in a while" - well, that's absolute rubbish! He's been online at the same time as me multiple times, and I've typed messages to him multiple times, with no response whatsoever. Not to mention all the emails I've sent him which he's completely ignored - the last email I got from him was November 19th, I just checked my sent messages and I emailed him on December 9th and December 27th and got no replies. So now I've emailed him again, saying that I got his Skype message but that it's not a good way to get in touch if you send a message to someone who's offline, because it only appears when the person who sent it is online themselves - so it's hit and miss. I also said that I tried talking to him on there yesterday and got no response, and that I've emailed him a few times over the last couple of months asking when I could call him and haven't ever got a reply. I didn't word it nastily, but I think I made it clear that I was a bit annoyed. I also mentioned my Dad, and how he never bothers to call and I'm sick of it being me who makes all the effort - so yes, he can apply that to himself too. The message on Skype made out he hasn't heard from me in ages, which is a load of bollocks. I just don't get it. I wrote that I've been here exactly 5 months now (I arrived on September 3rd, now it's February 3rd) and I felt like writing "and it feels as though most people back home have forgotten about me completely" but I didn't. Maybe I should have!

Also, my friend who I'll refer to as T, is annoying me no end with her fickle arrangements to catch up with me. We were emailing back and forth last week, and she said she could do a Skype chat on Saturday or Sunday, so I said Sunday (evening in the UK, lunchtime here) would work for me, so let me know if it works for you. Nothing. So, Saturday I emailed her and asked if that was alright - she mailed me back and said it was fine, and she thought she'd let me know but hadn't. OK, fair enough. So Sunday I speak to my Mom on the phone for like 40 minutes, and the time for my chat with T comes around (12.30) so I tell my Mom I have to go speak to her. I open up my laptop and get an email from T, saying that she was sorry but she'd been invited to her brother's house for dinner so she would try and get home by 2pm our time. I replied something like this: "Don't worry about it! We have things to do though so I'll have to cancel, maybe we can talk during the week" - my reasons being that she's one who often cancels or just doesn't show, and I wasn't going to waste my whole afternoon hanging around to speak to her if and when she might get online. I could kind of imagine what the next excuse would be - "I got back late, I'm tired now, we'll have to talk some other time" - and no, I'm not being paranoid, she does that kind of thing all the time. I'd say for every 3 catch-ups that we arrange, we maybe actually do 1. I spoke to my other good friend, R, yesterday (all 3 of us have been friends since like the age of 4) and she said the whole thing is ridiculous - T is so unreliable! I can't disagree. She also said that T shouldn't be expecting me to chat to her on a weekend, because that's my time with my hubby. I agree to a point, but 12.30 would have worked OK for us. However, I wasn't about to wait around another couple of hours for her. I think she was a bit taken aback when I replied and said we'd have to talk another time, but I'm fed up of being messed around (not just by her, but lots of people). She then suggested she could maybe do Wednesday night (yesterday) but mentioned that she might be going to the movies but it's not confirmed yet - well, I'm not gonna make plans with you then, because you will most likely end up cancelling yet again! Also, R had already said she wanted to Skype with me then, and she's reliable so there was no way I was gonna cancel on her for someone who's totally unreliable!

Now don't get me wrong, I get it - an invitation to go out somewhere is probably more appealing than talking to a friend over Skype. But the thing is, those plans were already made and confirmed. It's like, "Oh, I got a better offer, forget you!" which I think is pretty rude really. You wouldn't do that if you were physically going to meet up, so there's not much difference really. She could have told her brother she already had plans. He knows I'm in the US, it's not like we talk all the time and it's not like we can actually meet up these days. I'm sure he's not that unreasonable! I'm glad I told her it would have to be another time, because I would've been all the more annoyed if I'd given in and hung around waiting for her. I bet she never would've showed up. The thing is, she's probably taken that email as being "off" - well, it wasn't, but I'm not the one who constantly cancels (or just doesn't show up). There comes a point where you have to stand your ground, and people need to stop assuming you'll just bend to their every whim. It's just not on, in my opinion. If someone repeatedly messes you around, how long are you really supposed to put up with it? My Dad is awful for keeping in touch too. I last spoke to him over 2 weeks ago and he said he would call me "in a week" - i.e. middle of last week. Now it's a whole week later and I'm still yet to hear anything at all. He probably assumes I'll call him, but guess what? It's not happening. I'm obviously not important enough in his life for him to bother picking up the damn phone and dialling our number. Yet, if he does ever call, he'll probably be like "I miss you loads" - well, the old saying actions speak louder than words is very true, isn't it? When hubby and I were in a (very) long distance relationship for 20 months, only seeing each other every 3-4 months, we both really missed each other. Guess what? We would talk on Skype every day, we would text and call all the time. We didn't leave it weeks with no contact - that's pathetic. It's like when my Dad says he "wishes he could've come to our wedding" - that pisses me off so much! Really? Because last I checked, you could have come to our wedding! You didn't bother to book the time off work, and then a college orchestra rehearsal (not even concert, for fuck's sake) was more important to you than your own daughter's wedding. What a friggin' joke! "I hope you don't resent me for it" - well get this: yes, I bloody well do! And I resent you for never bothering to call me when you say you will. Not even close to the time you say you will, either. It's not like it's a day after he was meant to, or even a couple of days after. We're talking over a week already - and it'll probably be another week before he calls, if he even calls then. Let's just say I'm not exactly holding my breath. Oh and when I've had my AOS interview next Thursday, I won't be calling him to tell him how it went. I'm sticking to my guns, again, and I will not call him. I want to see how long it'll be this time before he notices he hasn't spoken to me for ages. Every time he's supposed to call I do this, and it clearly doesn't make any difference, but other than have a go at him I don't know what else to do. And I don't want him to call me because he thinks I'll get mad at him if he doesn't - I want him to call because he actually cares about me.

I'm starting to think the only person he truly cares about is himself.

It's almost Christmas! How did that happen?!

Today we took pug-pug to the vet for her vaccinations - she had 3 in total, one for rabies, one for kennel cough and another that's a combined vaccine for parvovirus, parainfluenza, canine distemper and possibly something else too! We also had her tested for heartworm - negative, as expected. :) We've started her on a monthly heartworm preventative too. While we were there we saw loads of hand made doggy food bowls, they were so cute! We got her a gorgeous light blue one, it was only $3. We'll take her old one over to the in-laws' house so that when we go round there we don't need to remember her bowl!

At some point today I need to do some housework and wrap some Christmas presents! I've ordered prints of 3 of our wedding photos, they're photos of my hubby and his brother, who was best man. When hubby finishes work today we're going to go and look for some nice frames, because we're giving them to my brother-in-law for Christmas. We also got him a couple of cactus arrangements, there are 3 small cacti in each pot. Not conventional Christmas presents I guess, but we're pretty sure he'll like them. $5 to print the photos (7x5") and about $13 for the cacti, plus whatever we spend on frames for the photos. We're heading over to Hobby Lobby for the frames, they're usually on sale there and they have a big selection. Plus I always find interesting things in there!

I'm still waiting for one thing I ordered online for hubby. Hopefully it'll come in the next couple of days so I can get it wrapped in plenty of time! I also ordered Christmas cards for hubby from Moonpig.com, they had a buy one get one free offer on so I got him one from pug-pug and one from me. The one from me has a couple of our photos on it! I love that site, it's awesome. The one from pug-pug has a pug on the front and I personalized the text - it says "Hi Daddy!" on the front, it's so cute! Including postage it only cost $4.60 for both cards (with one being free) which is really great value! I've been trying to budget my money and make it go further, so every little helps! I'm sure he'll be really happy with them, and he won't be expecting them so they'll be a nice surprise! :)

As far as his presents go, he's done pretty well! As I said, I've been trying to budget as much as I can so I've been shopping around for the best deal when it comes to buying pretty much anything. This is the first time since I was 16 that I've not had a job, so I do need to be careful with money. Anyway, he wanted either an 8GB or 16GB flash drive for his present, so I looked online at a few places and found a really good 16GB one for $25 with free shipping! I was in Walmart yesterday and they had 16GB drives for $40, so I think I lucked out with my online find! :) I also got him a cool funny T-shirt from Engrish.com, which was in the sale for $11.65 plus shipping ($16.50 total - the original price without shipping was $18.95 so I did good there too). I got him a really cool present "from pug-pug" too - a set of 6 coasters each with different photos of pug-pug on! I thought that was pretty neat - he definitely won't be expecting those! Plus, we actually do need some coasters, hehe. I used walgreens.com for those, it couldn't have been easier! I might buy him some candy or beef jerky or something like that, too. That would be an unexpected gift - but most definitely appreciated!

I bought the vast majority of pug-pugs Christmas presents from PetSmart in their 50% off sale so I saved quite a bit there too. That's the only reason she's ended up with so many presents - I think she has 8! Hers are the only ones that are all wrapped up, too. And she's the only one with an actual Christmas stocking! Maybe we are a little crazy after all... ;)

Right now I'm waiting for one of my friends on Skype - I'm not sure if she's gonna show... My mom called yesterday and I told her how let down I feel by so many people who just don't make the effort, and she was surprised when I mentioned my cousin and how he hasn't bothered getting in touch. I also told her that I'm a bit pissed about how virtually nobody could be bothered to send us a card when we got married, and how we've received very few Christmas cards. She agreed that people are crap! Oh well, it's out of my hands now since I decided not to pursue contact with those people who aren't bothering with me.

I can't believe it's almost Christmas, it doesn't feel like all that long since I got to the US back in early September! I'm just so glad to be here with my gorgeous hubby and our cute little pug-pug. My Dad should be arriving in 10 days, if his flight isn't cancelled because of the snow and ice in the UK. He still hasn't called, by the way. We're back in the familiar situation of us not speaking for however long because he doesn't call when he's meant to (i.e. at all) and I refuse to call him because I'm fed up of being the only one doing the communicating (as usual). He'll call eventually...

On Friendship

It's a strange situation I find myself in right now: I have everything I wanted for so long, my husband and our gorgeous little doggy, but I really am beginning to think that you can't have everything. I knew when I left the UK that some of my relationships would inevitably change, I just didn't realize how much. A lot of the time, I feel as though most people have just forgotten about me. There are friends who have kept in touch with me since I left, but it seems that there are more of them who haven't bothered much.

It's only 3 and a half months since I moved here, and in some ways it's almost like I never existed! It's quite upsetting sometimes, because although I was the one who left, I have been in touch with everyone multiple times since I got to the US. I realize that I have a lot more time on my hands than my friends who are working full-time, and I fully appreciate that people have things going on in their lives. I'm not expecting people to respond to my emails immediately, I'm not unreasonable! But when you've sent 3 or 4 emails over a period of time, and got no response whatsoever, it starts to grate on you.

One of my "friends" who I met up with a few days before leaving the UK insisted that she would keep in touch, and said that I should re-join Facebook so it would be easier. After arriving in the US, I did get back on FB - I thought my friend was right, it would be easier. Well, since I arrived here, I've sent this friend at least 3 emails, including one with some of our wedding photos, and messaged her on FB - have I heard anything back? In a word, no. I saw her on Skype recently, and decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and talk to her on there. She told me that she'd seen our wedding photos on FB and they were really nice, and never once acknowledged any of my attempts at communication. Then the whole conversation turned into a proof-reading session of a job application she was doing... I couldn't help but think that she was just using me. Maybe I'm being harsh, I don't know. That's just the way it seemed.

One of my other friends, who I've been friends with since the age of 4 or 5, keeps in touch sometimes but is so unreliable it's crazy! She'll tell me she'll be on Skype so we can catch up and then she won't show. We were supposed to talk a couple of days ago and I got an email not long before saying that it would have to be the next day, so I said that would be OK and told her what time I would be online. I didn't get a reply so I assumed that was fine for her, but when the time came she was nowhere to be seen. I stayed on for over an hour and she never showed. I thought that maybe today I would get an email apology or something, but no. Nice, huh? It just makes me feel like crap when people do stuff like that.

Even my own cousin has been terrible at getting in touch! He didn't even send us a card when we got married, despite the fact that he was in the US at the time and it would have cost all of 88 cents to send one! I thought that was a bit crappy, really. He called a week after the wedding, but we haven't spoken since. I've sent him 2 emails asking him when a good time would be for me to call him, because he works strange shifts so I don't want to call when he might be sleeping or whatever. He replied to my first email, saying he was on holiday so it would have to be when he got home. He was only away for a week, so he's been home a while now. It's been a week since I sent the second one and still I've heard nothing back. I just don't get it. It's rude, isn't it, to just ignore someone?

Now I just feel like not contacting anyone, because to be honest I don't want to have to deal with this crap any longer. I think I've made more than a reasonable effort to stay in touch with everyone, nobody can turn around and say I didn't try.

I spent a small fortune sending lots of Christmas cards to friends and family in the UK. I'm pretty sure we won't get many back, based on how people have been since I left. Only 2 of my friends so far have sent us cards, and it's only 10 days until Christmas. I do realize that it's a little bit more effort to send mail internationally, of course, but if people are true friends then surely they could make the effort? I mailed all of mine at the end of November to make sure they got there in time, and the few people I've heard from received them within about a week.

The reason I'm writing this stuff here is that I don't really want to confront people or tell them how much they've let me down. I've decided it's probably better to keep a dignified silence on the matter. I could do what a lot of people do and post some passive aggressive status message on FB, but I really don't see the point. I'll just leave it, and not contact those people who can't be bothered with me. It'll be interesting to see when, if ever, they contact me for a change.

Maybe when you emigrate you find out who your true friends are.